The Wanderer

It’s been almost two months since we last spoke. The last you all heard from me I had just officially signed up for an Olympic triathlon. Though I had been training for a few months at that point, and regularly posting about my progress, signing up for the Olympic triathlon was a big step and an even bigger goal. I had been up in the air for a while on which rendition of a triathlon I would want to pursue, this was my first time attempting such a race after all. The sprint was a good goal, a race I knew I could not only accomplish, but even excel at, but the Olympic was something different altogether. It was something that, at the time, I did not think I could even do. It would take all my focus for the next 3 months, and all my effort on that day to accomplish.

It was a true challenge.

I like to think you’re not truly living if you are not challenging yourself to do things you didn’t think were possible. For what is life without tribulation? So I signed up for the Olympic, as if there was ever really another option.

But from the moment I signed up, the fear began to set in. Now I was locked in, I had to do the race. It was as if there was a countdown blocking my vision, the only thing I could focus on was the time slipping sway.

3 months and 4 days.

Could I really do this? Could I truly swim a mile in the choppy waters of Lake Michigan, then bike 25 miles up and down the coast, before finally running 6.2 miles? I knew it was physically possible, they have these every year, and people do freaking iron mans, but was it possible for me?

This always happens. I set my sights for something big, I plan and plan, but once it comes to actually putting in the work, I crumble. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I remember all those years ago begging my parents for an acoustic guitar and then putting it back in its case after an hour because my fingers hurt from the strings. Or joining the crew team with my friends freshman year of high school just to stop after a year because the training was too hard.

I’ve been better about this though. I published the Stars in Her Eyes, which was a hard thing to do, at least for me. I ran a 15k in November, which at the time was the hardest thing I had done. I dedicate myself to tremendous tasks all the time, and some how some way I accomplish them. But this felt different.

My first response the moment I signed up was to formulate a plan. That’s what I do, I plan and I organize, and it has a great way of breaking a really scary thing into smaller, less scary things. Instead of running a triathlon tomorrow, let’s start with a 2 mile run, or a 4 mile bike ride. I start small and gradually get better, and that’s exactly what I did. I locked myself in my training plan and stuck to it, and slowly but surely I got stronger, faster, and more confident. With every passing week, I became a better triathlete. And with every passing week, I found myself forgetting to write blog posts about it.

It’s a scary thing putting yourself out there like this. Even if its in front of my 10 fans (love you freaks). The fear sets in that I might not finish this triathlon, and this series will be a waste of time, so instead of writing, I run, or bike, or swim.

And now I’m just 13 days away from the triathlon. I’ve put in the work, I’m in the best shape of my life, and the fear is still hovering over my head like a storm cloud. Those ridiculous questions still force their way into my head, can I really do this? Or will I be a failure.

It’s a funny thing these races. No one is forcing me to run this triathlon. If I had never signed up, no one would have cared. I would have found something else to fill my time, something else to write about. I signed up because it was a challenge, something I didn’t think I could do. I signed up, not for the race, but for the journey it would take me on. I signed up so that I could have an excuse to do the things I find joy in, like being outside or in the water, pushing myself every day to be better than I was yesterday. And that’s exactly what I did. I spent my free time doing the things I love and reaping the rewards of my hard work. And somehow I find myself almost at the end of this journey actually kind of prepared for this triathlon.

As I look back on this journey, I feel a little sad that I didn’t document it more, that I let the fear of failure stop me from doing what I love. Putting yourself out there is scary. But if you’re not scared you’re not taking any chances, and if you’re not taking any chances then what the hell are you doing?

And when the fear fades, there is nothing left but reality, the reality that you’ve prepared for this moment, that everything you’ve done has lead you here, that all that’s left to do is take the leap.

What will you do?